I thought I would share this...

So I watched Did you hear about the Morgans last night? I really enjoyed this movie even though it got horrible reviews. Maybe it's because I am going through some stuff with my own husband right now. However, the main character recited this and I had to find it online. Its a beautiful sonnet by Shakespeare.

Its Shakespeare's sonnet 16:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

There will come a time

I am still so filled with self-doubt. Why is it when I follow my heart, I am filled with doubt on what I choose? I am still so hurt by what he did. When he was lying and playing games against my heart, he was confiding in someone else, he was emotionally giving himself elsewhere. I said I could forgive, maybe I can forgive, but the pain is still so real, why is that? Is it the ultimate betrayal that will just keep eating me away, will I ever be able to fully trust him and my heart again? When the time for real healing and forgiveness begins, will the pain of remembering be worth it? Some days I am fine, other days I just want to smack him and cry. How could you hurt me so bad? Why would you hurt me that way, am I not enough or what did I not give you? I am here by his side through every deployment, every field training, every other thing that takes him away from home. I am left to pick up the pieces of myself, the house, and for the kids. I love him, I am loyal, I am proud of him. Why was that not enough? Why did it have to happen? "Things happen" is not an answer, it just deepens the wound, it just pours salt into the open wound. When will he be able to fully understand his actions and the pain that it caused me and other around him? When will my sacrifices be enough? It was pointed out to me that I am not happy unless I am constantly trying to get things or upgrade things. I realized even though the house we live in is not so called "large" enough, I can't stand the kitchen and not having a dishwasher that works or a garbage disposal, or the fact that I don't have a big enough bathroom; I am blessed. I have a house and a large backyard, with an amazing family that also includes our pets. My life would not be complete without them, so who cares. It could be worse. A lot worse, and now I feel selfish in my actions of wanting a bigger house. However, when will my sacrifices meet yours, and you give me some of you? When will he return the love I feel, when will he be able to say how he feels. When will he open himself up to me completely so I never have to worry about something like this happens again. When will he say babe I am so sorry in my actions, I was selfish, it will never happen again, I love you more than anything in the world and nothing will change that, when will he love me whole heartedly, and not when he feels like it, all the time. I am so empty, bitter, angry, hurt, but I still feel love through it all. And for some reason that is killing me in itself. I know now that I am strong enough to leave, pick up the pieces of myself and the kids and provide the best life I can for us; but I am going to give him this chance. I am going to let him prove himself. I want him to help erase the pain he created, if he even can. I want us to be stronger than ever, so this upcoming deployment will be less agonizing as the last one. I want my kids to grow up and say my mom and dad had a marriage that I want with my own future wife. I want my kids to see that respect and love and happiness go hand in hand. Those are the only important things in life...

and the only words I have are the words from a song called Breakeven by The Script...."Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even."

Gnight=)

So you heard the pitter-patter of a lost heart beating

I never thought I would be put in this type of situation. My heart is broken, I feel betrayed and hurt. I am feeling angry, and so lost and broken. It will take time to heal the pain, I just want to continuously hear how sorry you are, and make the changes for us to move past this. I want you to be here so we can work through this, so I can direct the appropriate emotions to who deserves them. A small part of me wants to get revenge so you can feel the pain I am in and understand what your actions do to others around you. To make you feel your heart break. I want to cry and smack you. I know you are sorry and that you realize but my pain makes it hard to see. Sometimes in the midst of this crazy world we lose ourselves or get caught up in our own unhappiness that we forget about true happiness and our goals we have set forth for ourselves and the ones we love. I do not think you intentionally did what you did, but the pain is still real for me. Give me time, I need to sort through how I feel, I need to get a full grasp of what happened and why it happened. I love you and it will never change, but this will just take time.....

Just don't forget to keep loving me the way you would want to be loved....

So here it is...

I have been going back and forth about starting one of these. I start them and then never keep up on them. I find myself lately preparing for a deployment that is about 4 months out, and dealing with an out of control three year old who has me in tears nearly daily. I have been wanting to vent, express how I feel, and get feedback on different things in my life. I wanted to start a blog as well to talk about my weight loss goals and share recipes that I find are easy and healthy. There are so many things that I worry about and probably at the same time should not be worrying about but what can ya do? Deployments tend to bring out the best and worst in you, and you will notice that a deployment is knocking on an army wifes door when you talk or listen to her. She starts gearing up about how she will handle it, what she can do while he is gone, and how to move forward even though moving forward is about moving towards the deployment. You will notice she cries, gets angry, pretends its not happening, feels helpless, gets scared, but at the same time puts on a happy face and lets her husband know that she supports him and loves him all at the same time. She will let the emotions get the best of her when the kids are down for naps, and gets complete alone time. The army wife is strong for her family, and picks up the pieces when her husband is away.

Some women simply can not handle the army life, you have the cheaters and the wives who run off with the extra money and spends it all because that is how they deal with their pain. You have the ones who would rather not deal with the pain over and over with every deployment so their marriages fail. The divorce rate is about 70% in the military. It is not easy, and it takes the best of us to be that 30%. Now do not let me fool you, I do have my moments, sometimes I do fight with my husband because I find myself it is easier to fight with him because I miss him and want him home than to cry and throw a temper tantrum so to speak. In reality, there really is nothing that we can do about it. I love my husband, I loved him and knew he was the one for me from our first date. I could not imagine my life without him and he feels the same way about me (I think haha). We whether each and every storm together and somehow pull out stronger every time. Sometimes I get scared about losing him and us not making it through this army term, but I know that as long as we have love and we stay strong and positive for each other and our children that is the best that we can do. Love is simply something that just does not go away, you have to work at it everyday, and sometimes it sucks, but when you look back 5 years later (how long we are almost been married) we have made it through and we are happier than ever. We have built a family, a home(a house is what you make it), survived a deployment, field training, and other training that has taken him away from home. If we can survive that we can survive anything!!

Anyways,

like I was saying. This blog is a way for me to keep a sort of diary without having to write in a book, and I cant write as fast as I can type so my thoughts are here faster lol (Does that make sense?).

Looking forward to sharing more,

Laura