Thursday, March 25, 2010

I thought I would share this...

So I watched Did you hear about the Morgans last night? I really enjoyed this movie even though it got horrible reviews. Maybe it's because I am going through some stuff with my own husband right now. However, the main character recited this and I had to find it online. Its a beautiful sonnet by Shakespeare.

Its Shakespeare's sonnet 16:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

There will come a time

I am still so filled with self-doubt. Why is it when I follow my heart, I am filled with doubt on what I choose? I am still so hurt by what he did. When he was lying and playing games against my heart, he was confiding in someone else, he was emotionally giving himself elsewhere. I said I could forgive, maybe I can forgive, but the pain is still so real, why is that? Is it the ultimate betrayal that will just keep eating me away, will I ever be able to fully trust him and my heart again? When the time for real healing and forgiveness begins, will the pain of remembering be worth it? Some days I am fine, other days I just want to smack him and cry. How could you hurt me so bad? Why would you hurt me that way, am I not enough or what did I not give you? I am here by his side through every deployment, every field training, every other thing that takes him away from home. I am left to pick up the pieces of myself, the house, and for the kids. I love him, I am loyal, I am proud of him. Why was that not enough? Why did it have to happen? "Things happen" is not an answer, it just deepens the wound, it just pours salt into the open wound. When will he be able to fully understand his actions and the pain that it caused me and other around him? When will my sacrifices be enough? It was pointed out to me that I am not happy unless I am constantly trying to get things or upgrade things. I realized even though the house we live in is not so called "large" enough, I can't stand the kitchen and not having a dishwasher that works or a garbage disposal, or the fact that I don't have a big enough bathroom; I am blessed. I have a house and a large backyard, with an amazing family that also includes our pets. My life would not be complete without them, so who cares. It could be worse. A lot worse, and now I feel selfish in my actions of wanting a bigger house. However, when will my sacrifices meet yours, and you give me some of you? When will he return the love I feel, when will he be able to say how he feels. When will he open himself up to me completely so I never have to worry about something like this happens again. When will he say babe I am so sorry in my actions, I was selfish, it will never happen again, I love you more than anything in the world and nothing will change that, when will he love me whole heartedly, and not when he feels like it, all the time. I am so empty, bitter, angry, hurt, but I still feel love through it all. And for some reason that is killing me in itself. I know now that I am strong enough to leave, pick up the pieces of myself and the kids and provide the best life I can for us; but I am going to give him this chance. I am going to let him prove himself. I want him to help erase the pain he created, if he even can. I want us to be stronger than ever, so this upcoming deployment will be less agonizing as the last one. I want my kids to grow up and say my mom and dad had a marriage that I want with my own future wife. I want my kids to see that respect and love and happiness go hand in hand. Those are the only important things in life...

and the only words I have are the words from a song called Breakeven by The Script...."Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even."