Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I think....stay tuned ;)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Another Day

So here we are with a month down, and I have become a little bit more of complacent with the way things are going. Some days go a little bit more slowly than I would like. I think that it is because I am not in school, my vacation is still two weeks away, I am not working, and mostly I have just been sitting at home. Last deployment I would look at the deployment in days, however, this deployment I look at the deployment in weeks; or trash days. And then I look at it in months. 12 months is an easier pill to swallow than a 365 day pill. My kids are still adjusting. We are having about two to three wake ups in the middle of the night from each child, so I am exhausted. I will not complain, because what I do through is hard; by far yes it is hard. However, the hardest part is what my husband is going through and his soldiers. I am blessed to have my bed to sleep in every night, even with how lonely it is. I am blessed to get to hug and kiss on my kids. I am blessed to get in my car and drive to the store. These things my husband does not get to do. I do however get to deal with the constant fighting the kids do, and get to deal with the discipline (insert laughter here haha). That part I could deal without, lol.

I have been thinking about a lot lately though, about how much we do deal with on the homefront, and the resources that are there. However, I do find that most spouses do not take advantage of the resources, either because they do not know that they are there, or because they just choose not to partake in the resources. I am a guilty party in the last deployment. I felt guilty for taking part in the daycare resource, I felt guilty for leaving my children at a daycare, however this deployment I am trying to partake in the resources that are available. I have only taken my kids to daycare this deployment so far once. However, they love it and I plan to take them more often and use my free hours. We all need a break, allow ourselves to take care of ourselves, because if we are not taking care of ourselves, we are not a hundred percent giving ourselves to other including our children. I am a person and almost to a fault who will give more to other than I do myself ( I can't say no lol), and I realize I really do need to start taking care of myself! So if any army wife reads this, please either email me or comment and I will get you a list of different resources that are out there, and please make sure to take care of yourself, you will notice a huge difference in yourself, you will be so much happier; I will guarantee it!

On to another note. I am a huge five finger death punch fan. And I found this video and thought I would share! Enjoy =)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Wow its been a long time

I have been using my Windows Live Writer to send short blogs in, to just now realize that they were not being posted! There are so many things to be written so lets just dive in, and lets see if I can manage to keep this thing going.

As of June 19th, 2010, my husband deployed to Afghanistan is what is his third deployment. Our children realize that daddy is gone, but they think that he is up on a helicopter just flying around Fort Hood lol. So whenever an Army helicopter flies overhead he screams so loud HELICOPTER!! HI DADDY!! YOU COME BACK NOW?? It is so sweet in the innocence that children use, but also heartbreaking for me to see how much children miss their daddy. Somehow I am coping with this deployment a lot better than our first deployment. I think you learn to know what to expect from a deployment, and you realize that you have no choice, but to go on and survive. It hurts like hell, but you have to do your husband proud, be strong for your children, and live because you have no other option. I have days where I cry, I have days where I feel like this will never end, why must we keep doing this, etc, etc. However, I know that what my husband is doing is important and I am proud of him for doing so. I am actually proud of myself for the way I am handling this deployment, but yes I am very lonely and very sad and missing my husband every day.

I am taking my first vacation with my kids for the first time, and we are going back to my home town of Chicago, Illinois. I am so excited because it will be the first time that I have been home in over 6 years and it is also the first time I will be taking a vacation with my kids. I am nervous for the kids part, but very excited to show them soooo much and enjoy being home!

I also recently got into Penn State University and will be attending their World Campus program and I am super excited about that!

Sometimes you just have to ride the waves of life, and love for what is handed to you. With all the bullshit comes happiness as well. You choose how to weather the storm and how you come out at the end. You choose to play the victim.

Until again=)


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Not sure where to keep going

There has been so much going on lately. We have had two trips to the ER with our youngest. One for a busted lip that required stitches, another because he thought his daddys medicine was candy. Both times were traumatizing for me and I am sure for Cole. Just yesterday while Cole should have been napping, he must have climbed his chest of drawers dresser and ended up tipping it on himself. He has a busted up face, a black eye and scratches and bruises all over his face. He thinks he is a little monkey I swear. Not only do we have all this going on with Cole, we have Child Protective Services breathing down our neck because of his lip being busted the stupid ARMY hospital called them and now we are being investigated. We have NEVER done anything to harm our children intentionally. My kids are my entire heart and I could not imagine anyone ever hurting them, and I hurt at the thought of someone thinking that we would do such. When Child Protective Services showed up I was upset, and although they said they are going to close out our case because there is “obviously nothing happening here” we are still in the system now. We also are trying to prepare for Tim’s upcoming deployment in 6 weeks, I have school, we may have to move, our kids are getting hurt. I feel like I am fixing to lose my mind. We have so much on our plate and more and more keeps piling up and I am ready for a break. Right when I think we are about to make it through and be stronger and happier than ever something else happens. There is a lot of weight on my shoulders right now because on top of all that my husbands unit is looking at us as high risk because of all the incidents that have been happening. I know that I should not care about how people look at us or what people must be thinking or whispering, but in reality if I was outside this situation I would probably pass judgment. Even though we are not guilty of anything but having a crazy past few weeks and crazy kids lol, but you don’t want people to assume you guilty of stuff you didn’t do. I am actually to the point of being angry over all of it because if the Army hospital didn’t have to report everything on everyone we wouldn’t be in this situation. I am just so done with all this craziness, I just want to enjoy the beautiful world and family I have without all of this. I want to get a good nights sleep without worrying what tomorrow will bring to me…i want to just enjoy what time I have with my husband left then have all this traumatizing stuff lol. I am staying strong but there are some moments where I just go “Seriously…WTF”


And So it is

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I thought I would share this...

So I watched Did you hear about the Morgans last night? I really enjoyed this movie even though it got horrible reviews. Maybe it's because I am going through some stuff with my own husband right now. However, the main character recited this and I had to find it online. Its a beautiful sonnet by Shakespeare.

Its Shakespeare's sonnet 16:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

There will come a time

I am still so filled with self-doubt. Why is it when I follow my heart, I am filled with doubt on what I choose? I am still so hurt by what he did. When he was lying and playing games against my heart, he was confiding in someone else, he was emotionally giving himself elsewhere. I said I could forgive, maybe I can forgive, but the pain is still so real, why is that? Is it the ultimate betrayal that will just keep eating me away, will I ever be able to fully trust him and my heart again? When the time for real healing and forgiveness begins, will the pain of remembering be worth it? Some days I am fine, other days I just want to smack him and cry. How could you hurt me so bad? Why would you hurt me that way, am I not enough or what did I not give you? I am here by his side through every deployment, every field training, every other thing that takes him away from home. I am left to pick up the pieces of myself, the house, and for the kids. I love him, I am loyal, I am proud of him. Why was that not enough? Why did it have to happen? "Things happen" is not an answer, it just deepens the wound, it just pours salt into the open wound. When will he be able to fully understand his actions and the pain that it caused me and other around him? When will my sacrifices be enough? It was pointed out to me that I am not happy unless I am constantly trying to get things or upgrade things. I realized even though the house we live in is not so called "large" enough, I can't stand the kitchen and not having a dishwasher that works or a garbage disposal, or the fact that I don't have a big enough bathroom; I am blessed. I have a house and a large backyard, with an amazing family that also includes our pets. My life would not be complete without them, so who cares. It could be worse. A lot worse, and now I feel selfish in my actions of wanting a bigger house. However, when will my sacrifices meet yours, and you give me some of you? When will he return the love I feel, when will he be able to say how he feels. When will he open himself up to me completely so I never have to worry about something like this happens again. When will he say babe I am so sorry in my actions, I was selfish, it will never happen again, I love you more than anything in the world and nothing will change that, when will he love me whole heartedly, and not when he feels like it, all the time. I am so empty, bitter, angry, hurt, but I still feel love through it all. And for some reason that is killing me in itself. I know now that I am strong enough to leave, pick up the pieces of myself and the kids and provide the best life I can for us; but I am going to give him this chance. I am going to let him prove himself. I want him to help erase the pain he created, if he even can. I want us to be stronger than ever, so this upcoming deployment will be less agonizing as the last one. I want my kids to grow up and say my mom and dad had a marriage that I want with my own future wife. I want my kids to see that respect and love and happiness go hand in hand. Those are the only important things in life...

and the only words I have are the words from a song called Breakeven by The Script...."Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even."


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

So you heard the pitter-patter of a lost heart beating

I never thought I would be put in this type of situation. My heart is broken, I feel betrayed and hurt. I am feeling angry, and so lost and broken. It will take time to heal the pain, I just want to continuously hear how sorry you are, and make the changes for us to move past this. I want you to be here so we can work through this, so I can direct the appropriate emotions to who deserves them. A small part of me wants to get revenge so you can feel the pain I am in and understand what your actions do to others around you. To make you feel your heart break. I want to cry and smack you. I know you are sorry and that you realize but my pain makes it hard to see. Sometimes in the midst of this crazy world we lose ourselves or get caught up in our own unhappiness that we forget about true happiness and our goals we have set forth for ourselves and the ones we love. I do not think you intentionally did what you did, but the pain is still real for me. Give me time, I need to sort through how I feel, I need to get a full grasp of what happened and why it happened. I love you and it will never change, but this will just take time.....

Just don't forget to keep loving me the way you would want to be loved....